ihsv_sweetheart

so two more people i know got engaged, and one of them is toying with the idea of it...these people are two years younger than me. i'm not particularly depressed by this fact. however, i have come to a few conclusions...

first of all- it is obviously going to take a very special man to marry me. i mean, i don't think that the person i'm supposed to end up with was at martin anyway, so in all honesty i don't regret hanging out with the people i hung out with or switching crowds from the typical group i usually hung around in high school. at this point in time, i have fully accepted the fact that i most likely haven't even laid eyes on the one i'll wind up with. that's kind of exciting. at the same time, it makes me kind of scared. of course one of my biggest fears is the unknown, so it kind of drives me a bit crazy to know that the person made for me is out there without me...and is a perfect stranger to me right now. it's kind of hard to wrap my mind around it, ya know?

second of all- all relationships come in different forms. one of the girls that got engaged hasn't even been dating her boyfriend for over a year i don't think..and the other one has been dating the same guy for years (typical). i made the comment to my mom the other day in some random conversation (there is really no telling to what we were talking about. haha) and i mentioned something like i wanted to be in a relationship with someone about a year before i get engaged. she told me that i can't know how long i'll date them before we decide to get married and it might be sooner than that. her and dad only dated like 6 months before he popped the question-his theory was 'when you know, then you know'. it seemed to work out well for them...maybe the same will happen to me. it kind of scares me to think that this time next year, i could possibly be dating seriously or engaged to someone!! i mean, you never know what can happen during a time scale like that. i am the type of person that actually enjoys being in relationships, granted i haven't been in one that i felt overly comfortable with in a while, i still remember what it was like to know that no matter what happened, you were still going to have that person at the end of the day..or week..or year or whatever. i miss that security.

third of all- i have discovered that i really don't think i'd want my boyfriend to propose around a major holiday or on an anniversary. i think the most special moments in life are the random ones that aren't planned. those are the times you remember the most..the ones that sneak up on you and take you by surprise. plus, i'm special enough to not need a holiday or anniversary to make it a 'special occasion', i've already got that part on lockdown.

lastly- life happens when you're busy making plans. with all three of these things in mind, i'm not stressing about them. i've been really lucky to not have had any major screw ups (even though my mom and dad might count some of my past boyfriends in that category). i haven't gotten knocked up, thank god. i haven't been married and divorced already by the age of 22 (like my mom), i haven't been tempted with drugs at all (even though i don't think it'd be much of a temptation..i don't think i could do it) and i haven't had any crazy psycho stalker ex's who have wanted to kill me or anything. my main focus right now is obviously to get a job..and along with that- getting a job somewhere that isn't chocked full of old people. lol i need to find a place with connections, somewhere i can meet people my age. i mean, i'll never meet that person until i get out there, right? this is going to be interesting.

and so my story continues. chapter 2: school days is finished, chapter 3: moving out and on begins. this should be good. where are you, mister right? i wonder what you're doing at this very moment.

it's finally over. i'm finally done. no more counting down. i have a college degree..wow. i feel like there is a fresh slate in front of me. whatever goes from here on out. i'm thinking that i'll take on some of the old characteristics i used to possess..maybe giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, treating others the way i want to be treated, hope for the best even when you're dealt the worst..just to name a few. i'm in the real world now. big grown up people have to be more mature to handle than college kids, right? i've got to change my malicious ways of thinking before i'm the one coming across as a bitch. lol

so today was fun i guess. kind of exhausting. mom, dad, and jamie came in of course. but my aunt pam, uncle jim, and my nanny came too. it was good to see them. the crappy part was that i faught and bickered with my freaking mother the entire time! she was bugging me about getting ready for my cruise the whole day!! they finally left and i just collapsed on my bed, exhausted from holding back my smart aleck tones and sarcastic responses. it was emotionally draining...please jesus don't let this be a foreshadowing of what it'll be like when i move home. that's the last thing i need.

i should really get off my computer and do some more packing...we kind of leave tomorrow. lol

ryan and totty are getting on my last nerve. they're over here goofing off when i'm in a terrible mood. i tried to take a nap, but 30 million people kept texting me asking what time the party starts...i was like 'uhm, 9:30, it's on facebook'. lazy idiots! do they not think that i am busy or something. i'm in a horrible way right now for some reason. i'm exhausted. i've been cleaning and making multiple trips to walmart for this freaking party tonight and i'm just ornery.
today, i had to make sweet potatoes for the SAI christmas party. i was cooking them so the marshmallows would brown before i took them over there and jared suggested that i just put it on broil. well, we did..and then we kept talking and before i knew it there was smoke coming from my kitchen. i opened the oven and huge blue and orange flames were coming from my pan of sweet potatoes. i didn't know what to do so i closed the oven, turned it off and opened my door. it's a good thing ryan and jared were there because i was a complete wreck!! i didn't have a fire extinguisher and i couldn't dump water on it (because it was electrical...i almost did it anyway without thinking though). so ryan got a damp towel and threw it on top, it killed it. the top of my sweet potatoes were completely black and gross, so we peeled the burnt layer off and threw it away and i took the rest to my party...yeah. pretty sure i was the only one who ate them. they bitch and moan about us bringing food to this party, i almost burnt down my kitchen in the process of making it and nobody touches it!!!! i just left it there. i'm so mad. whatever.

i wish i could take a nap so bad, but part of me feels uneasy because they're downstairs being idiots. i just want to slap totty! he's so fucking obnoxious sometimes!! ugh. i won't miss him when he's like this, that's for sure. ryan doesnt help any either. it's retarded. i just sat there not speaking to either of them and reading my magazine, but they wouldn't hush. i was trying not to make comments that they could feed off of and bug me about..but it didn't really work. so now i'm upstairs, unable to sleep. i'm hungry, but i don't want to eat. i've eaten so much the past few days. i feel like a cow. gross. i can't wait to move home and have my mother starve me to death. i'm actually kind of looking forward to it. lol it'll be good for me.

i had fun with linzie today. we went to this new place in town called the Clothesline. it sells cheap brand name clothes. it was amazing. i bought a new pair of tommy jeans for 23 bucks! and i got a cute, long duster length vest. it's brown and looks pretty good. it was like 20 bucks, mom will probably yell at me for it later, but i really don't care. anyways. i've got to find something to do. maybe i'll clean a little more. nothing better than being exhausted for your own graduation party...this should be interesting.

i'm kind of not looking forward to it almost. i've got a lot of people coming, but i almost don't even care. what a wonderful mood to be in.

but i'll keep you close as always,
it won't even seem you've gone.
cause our hearts in big and small ways,
will keep the love that keeps us strong.

i just liked these lyrics. it's from the michael w. smith song 'friends'..it's the typical sappy song..but i found a version recorded by Daniel Doss on iTunes and i really loved it. i'm just getting a bit emotional, that's all.

18 days. wow. just over two weeks until i graduate.
it's been a long semester, yet it feels like it shouldn't be this close to being over. i've got a lot left to do..even if my portfolio is being graded and i'll get it back next week. i've got a crazy big project for graphic design that i haven't even gotten yet, an event to plan for pr techniques, a paper to write for comm law, and corrections to make to my pr assignments.

four and a half years in martin. i remember my first day here. i cried when my parents left, and then they had to come back because they forgot to give me my bottled water..so i had to go down to get it and they saw that i was upset. my mom told me that everything would be fine, and that i could come home on the weekends. now that i'm staring down the short road to my very last day here, i'm pretty sure the same thing will happen. i'll be crying because i'm leaving my family again..my unbiological, amazing, beautiful family who know me better than i know myself. i don't know if i'll be ok this time. i mean, yeah i'll move on with my life and move back home to the family i was so sad to leave those four years ago..but i've been forever changed by the people i've met here. i've been changed for the better, and for good. no, i'm not where i'd be when i came to college..but i believe in my whole heart that i've had enough hard times and amazing memories to balance me out to the person i'm meant to be. loyal to a fault, guarded in most situations...yet hopeful enough to eventually let my guard down and let everything in. my friendships are unbreakable because of the things we've been through to weather and strenthen us. i'm not halfway your friend. i'm either for you or against you..which may or may not be the best way to go about things, but in the end i know where my loyalties are. there isn't room in my life for lukewarm anything. you should always know how you feel and not be afraid to say it. life moves too fast for you to have second thoughts. live with such a passion for what you believe in and love that there is no question of where you stand.

maybe i've become too outspoken. but i've found that keeping things in does no good. telling the wrong people is definitely a problem though..that's why you should know who your best friends are so you can be completely and utterly yourself in times of happiness and sorrow..that way you can share those moments with the ones you love most. they will laugh and cry with you because that's why you're there. you do the same for them when the time comes. whether it's breakups, fights, makeups, dead pets, dead family, a rough test, a good grade, a bad day, a new relationship or even plans for the future. nothing is too small to matter with your best friends. because what matters to you, always matters to them..no matter what.

at the end of the day, if you still have your best friends, you really have all you'll ever need.

i didn't think it would hit me just yet.
the fact that in 93 days, i'll be gone. i will be forced to grow up. no longer will i be a student, a college girl who can be carefree and take her time with assignments and get all dolled up for rush.
tomorrow night ends it all. no more sigma chi recruitment. no more just hangin with the guys for fun. my opinion will be taken from the mix, and put into the 'graduated' pile to be rarely sought after.
sitting at the house tonight, guy after guy came in. different talents, temperaments and convictions filling one room, then flowing out to the deck and the back yard like the smoke surrounding them from the cigars. sigma chi. it's no longer the people here. it's no longer the small group of guys, it's going to become bigger than that, maybe not this semester but soon. soon it will develop into the big scheme of things that the guys i've grown close with had imagined. it's going to become a 'way' to be, not 'what' to be. i just can't imagine leaving it all. it's been fascinating for me to watch my boys thrive and grow into something new and different from anything else on campus. it's my comfort zone. i don't want to leave it behind.
i don't want to leave it at all. it's horrible to say, but my college memories are sigma chi. everyone close to me has been touched by it and therefore sigma chi is what holds it all together.
i met scarlett through sigma chi. she's my best friend and i can't imagine being without her level headed perspective on anything. she's the 'older' more wise half of me..i'll go nuts without it. jenna, though she's from clarksville, i met through sigma chi. together, all three of us make up the female reputation of sigma chi. the three generations of sweethearts...the honored girls to wear their badge proud and try and uphold their standards. i couldn't ask for closer bonds with any two other girls. it'd be ridiculous to imagine, to be honest with you.
i'm exhausted. i need to sleep before i have an awful night. and an even worse day tomorrow.

ok. quick fact. i haven't weighed this little since spring break. it's kind of exciting. i just can't blow it now. i've lost 18 pounds since the end of last semester. and that's just from counting calories, running every now and then, and drinking camel loads of water. wow. i'm pumped. i'm gonna look cute for rush (not as cute as last year, but whatev.)

i'm busy as all get out!! i've got to finish up a graphic design project tonight after work..hopefully it won't take too long. i'll start on my creative brief to go with it this afternoon. i've got to write an email for pr techniques..no clue what that's about yet..i guess i'll do that this afternoon also. i've also got to make some changes to my resume...ugh. my rough draft is due tomorrow. hopefully that will go well...dr. nanney will probably bleed all over it with his red pen.

scarlett's out of the shower. woot. my turn. i gots to go to walmart. :)

i'm back in martin. woo. i'm sitting in the admissions office. i've already called my 30 something people for the night, and i'm just waiting for 7:00 to hit before i jet outta here. i'm glad i'm somewhat back into the swing of things. i've got 3 jobs this semester. telemarketing & student ambassador. and then i'm section editor for the greek part of the college magazine (yearbook substitute). i can get anywhere from 10-20 hours a week and get paid $7.55 an hour. that's pretty good. if i work like 15 hours a week for yearbook, and do my regular 12-ish hours for the university i could be pullin in around $185 a week..not too shabby. i've gotta make time for it though. i'm definitely in need of the money. i'm not getting as much as i usually do with my scholarships/loans. i have enough to pay rent and get by, but i'm gonna be cuttin it pretty close. i think i can do it. it'll just toughen me up for the real world. haha

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ok i wrote that like last week and got busy, so i just kind of stopped writing all together. i had a pretty awesome weekend (labor day weekend, that is). i stayed in martin while all my best friends went to memphis. sounds lame, i know. i'm kind of glad i stayed, i guess. rex came in to visit so i hung out with him and lorie. it was kind of annoying to have rex around the house all the time without a free moment to myself, but oh well. lol i lived. we went to a party saturday night at one of the apartments down from mine. it was interesting to say the least. haha i got to practice acting civil in front of skanks i don't like, good life skills to build upon. i'm so proud of myself. haha
my weeks are cramming full of business. i don't like it. i've got like 10 meetings this week, most of them are over with, thank goodness. friday night, i have to go to the concert at the soybean festival because i'm writing a review on the band that's playing, and taking pictures (if my camera ever freaking gets here!). i'm excited though. this will be my first debut in the pacer--with a music review, so typical of me..haha. i've got my first project in ad design due tomorrow. i'm pretty much finished with it, i just need to print it out and all that jazz. i've got to type up a letter for pr techniques and also answer some chapter questions for ad design..ugh. i probably need to do that now. i've got to stay at work til 8:30 anyway. boo.

so it's my last day at work. thank god. i don't know how much longer i would have been able to stand it...granted, i do get paid pretty well, i'm just ready to not have anything to worry about for a while before classes start for the semester. one more pay check (the one for this week) will cap off my summer savings..it should get me by for a while. i'm trying to save up for fall break and my graduation trip..hopefully it will happen. kim kraft said she would love to go on the cruise with me and i'm waiting on lauren to answer. so many good trips to look forward to. fall break is going to be a blast! yay for remote beach locations and temperatures in the upper 80s!

twilight is over. boo. i feel like i have nothing to look forward to anymore. like my momentary fairy tale is over. lol pathetic, yes. but at least i was really really enjoying my life for two weeks. i'm going to read them again to keep the story fresh in my mind..who knows how many times i'll re-read them before the movie comes out. haha i want to make sure i can at least not be disappointed in the fact that the books are amazing, there is no way on earth the movie will be half as good, but i'm still looking forward to it. at least robert pattinson is beautiful. :)

martin. to go early or not to go early?, that is the question. i honestly am excited for this semester..reason one being that it's my last semester. reason two being that it's going to go by so fast with all that i have ahead of me. and reason three..there is A LOT of stuff going on that is going to be a blast! not just the boring stuff that you have to do to graduate. haha but the more i think about it, the more i'm not so sure i'm as ready to be back as i had anticipated. it would be easier for me to just jump into classes and meetings and stuff than for me to have a lot of dead time before my schedule gets really hectic. i'm worried. about leaving people and maybe even my old self behind. i'm not going to pull a ryan mouser and make everyone pissed at me so my bridges are burned and it's easier to leave...not my style. but i do wonder how hard it will actually be for me to just walk away. i can't ever do that. i know that more often than not, walking away probably would have been the better route for me to take, it's almost not possible for me to do in some situations. i have definitely become a different person over the past couple of years, and i almost feel weak. i mean, i'm still a strong person independently..but i have more softspots for people and things than i would like to have. i can't just leave things to burn and be done with it. i'm ridiculous. i enjoy the struggle. i enjoy being tortured apparently. haha i am trying really hard to make it stop, but it's almost as painful and difficult as just cutting off my own arm! morbid, but true. for me to avoid the things that bring me down would mean me cutting things, people, places out of my life. places and people that i go to on any given day! the way i know i have to do that...the other parties involved can't walk away either. they are bringing me down because they too are weak. if i don't step in and do something about it...it will never end!! it MUST end! it must be over with before i leave here or i have a rather haunting feeling that it will keep me dragging myself back (something i don't intend on doing for just anyone or anything). i will come back for the important things and people that matter. but like i said, there are only a handful of them...there's no need for me to stay around for anyone else. i can tell that i've taken the primary steps to move past the things that were really bugging me at the beginning of the summer. i no longer discuss it openly with people..it's never the first thing out of my mouth in a conversation..i've cut communication time down to a minimum with the things that left my life a mess. it doesn't bother me as much anymore...i know i can overcome it. it's just a matter of time healing everything.

how depressing. i'm changing the subject. i'm going to the science center this weekend! yay! haha sara and i..plus her boyfriend and who knows who else.. are going to the adventure science center, cool springs and out to eat on saturday morning. THEN i get to go to jazz on the lawn with jenna (and hopefully ryan..he sounded interested in us dragging him down here to join us). hopefully me and jenna get to hang out for a little while tonight too. i have absolutely nothing to do, and hardcore twilight discussion time would be fabulous!!!

20 more minutes. gees! time moves to flippin slow when you have nothing to do! i'm going to lunch at the tea room with some people from work. i'm starving!!! ah! hm. maybe i'll do my crossword puzzle. :) sounds good.

yesterday was the day that justin's mom died, 8 years ago. i texted him in the morning and called him that night to check on him, make sure he was doing ok. he was drinkin with scarlett and some of the guys. i knew that it would be a hard day for him, and he got to talk to his dad a little bit so that was good. he was doing better than i thought he would though, so that's always good too. scarlett and jake found out that i was talking to him on the phone and came in his room and hung it up. i had to talk to her about it so i sent her a text saying that she didn't need to worry about me and just leave it alone. i was just talking to him as a good friend who needed someone to listen, and considering that i was the one that he talked to about all that stuff last year, it was good that i could still bet there for him now after all that has happened between us. i thought about him all day. not in the way of me missing him, but me wanting to let him know that everything is ok. i know it sounds cliche, but i really wanted to be there for him because i know what it's like to lose someone so close to you. it sucks. and it does get a little easier, you still think about them but not in the conscious way that makes you hurt everytime it crosses your mind. it's kind of a subconscious thing that happenes when a song or a smell or a memory reminds you of them. it's been about 3 1/2 years since granny died. and only about 2 since grandaddy died. it still hurts. i still want to cry sometimes. and i often ask myself what granny would think about where i am now, who i am now, and where i'm headed. parts of me want to believe that she would just let me do what i feel i need to do, but the logical part of me says that she would probably be a little disappointed in the path i've taken. i think that not having her in my life is part of the reason i'm a little jaded and bitter about a lot of things. she was kind of my outside view, my logic and yet still helped me see the good in things. my sun in my disposition set a little when she left.
i just read a book called 'when light breaks'. it was amazing. it kept talking about love, personal beliefs and being true to yourself. of course it was sappy and precious and totally a chick read, but i think that i learned a little something from it. it gave me a new perspective on things that i do..and the people i'm trying to please when i do them. i know that not everything in my life is going to happen so smoothly like in the book, but that's the fight in it. i need to fight for me..not for anyone else..not to keep anyone around. i need to fight within myself to return to the person i once was. loving, kind, caring and completely and beautifully broken. faithful and loyal to a fault. and hopeful in everyone i meet..hopeful that there is good in them until proven wrong. i'm glad i found that book, it's amazing the treasures hidden in the clearance bin at books-a-million. haha
i'm goin to martin this weekend. just for friday night. i'll probably come back saturday afternoon. lauren and i are going to have a girls night! woo! i would hang out with jenna, scarlett and lorie, but they're going to a midnight book relase of the next book in the twilight series. i've been meaning to get those books...maybe i'll look them up on amazon or something. lol anyways! we're going to michael's and then maybe to play some pool at caddy's . i'm excited to hang out with her. and just have some good ole fashioned martin fun. haha who knows who i'll run into! ;)
i better get back to work. ugh. lol at least the dragon furball of a boy isn't here....that's a story for later. lol oh gosh.

why did i get blessed with the mother who takes everything to the extreme?
i'm ready to go back to school, yet i am not excited about being back in martin.
i'm ready to graduate, yet i am not excited about moving back home.
i'm ready to freaking be on my own, yet i don't think that will ever happen as long as my mother is the way that she is.

i want to go home, but i don't feel like i belong there.
i really have no place that i want to call home.
i'm homeless.
oh great.

i just went back and read some old entries. i'm a freaking sap!! what is wrong with me?! lol i let myself depend on him to make me happy and feel normal.

i let him drive a wedge between me and scarlett..not ok.

things are going to be different from now on.

i think i might be back.

i guess that would be me right now. haven't really thought a whole lot about anything since my trip to martin last weekend. but i'm settling in for another night alone in all this mess and i just don't know what to make of it anymore. i deleted his number..again. i figured if i had nothing to say to him then there's no reason why i should have his number staring me in the face daring me to send him something stupid for absolutely no reason at all.
a makeover. i'm in desperate need of one. not the whole new wardrobe and makeup thing...i need to makeover my soul. lol dumb i know. but i'm so serious. if i keep thinking with the same logic and pattern that i'm using now (which hasn't proved to be too successful in the past) i'm on a quick road to nowhere.
if i start to think differently, then i'll start to have a different attitude towards the things that really get to me right now. it's not just the whole guy thing either--it's become bigger than that. people in general get on my nerves. and on most days they haven't done anything to me, i just get irritated at the sight of them. lol that's not me at all! wtf?
jaded. yet optimistic. i'm so tired of everything. so worn down from trying to make it better with every ounce in my body. i've poured out, and wrung myself dry of any emotion i had left on the people i knew had the least amount of potential to make me truly happy. wasted? most of it. not on people, on situations. i picked the fights. i chose to be mad and make a mountain out of a grain of sand. yet, without those encounters...i would have gotten no reaction whatsoever out of them. is it justified, no. more like a cry for freaking help! it's like i wanted to hit them just to see if they'd cry. are their batteries dead? is there anyone inside of the hollow shell they're living in? i hope so. hope. optimism. i'm so exhausted, but i'm still anticipating that sweet light at the end of the long, damp, frightening tunnel that i've been in for years. when is the end coming? december? no, i don't think it will be that easy. maybe after i've moved away. the second chance i get will be when i am released from the vices i've voluntarily held since i was a teenager. like exhaling after a puff on a cigarette...my mind will seem a little more at ease and my muscles will release any kind of tension they've been keeping.
i can't look for anyone to help me until i learn to help myself. i don't have any serious conditions (though i wonder sometimes, given the way i see most things..scary. haha). i've walked away from every broken friendship and relationship learning something new. i just haven't figured out how to put all of those lessons together to use them for the better and lead me to someplace new. a new time where i can look at something again without seeing the bad things first. without pointing out how it's broken before picking it up and seeing and feeling for myself that it's just what it's supposed to be without all of my expectations of disaster or perfection getting in the way.

i'm not sure if any of this will make sense later. i'm kind of just rambling on what i'm thinking. who knows. maybe a song will come out of it someday....maybe that's how i'll be released. i need to let it all go. hm..bonfire?

my god. what in the world is wrong with people?!?! does the word 'considerate' not hold any water with anyone anymore?! apparently not with guys, or at least the ones that i have unwisely chose to call my best friends.
i know that i'm not a selfish person...at all! in fact, i could afford to be much more selfish. so basic breakdown of today's events:
-originally, a small group of us were going to eat at cabana for my birthday. kyle and ryan called me today with the idea to go to the kenny chesney concert instead...i was a little reluctant, but told them i had to ask erin and megan first.
-erin and megan weren't too keen on it, but said they could meet us for dinner or something.
-justin calls me, tells me he's bought me a ticket to the concert because it would be way more fun than dinner. so i feel like i'm locked into it (later he tells me that he was lying to me so i would feel like i had no choice but to go). while the thought might be nice, the only thought he had was that the concert was something that HE wanted to do...not something he thought i would like..for my birthday.



ok all the stuff above was from last night. this is seriously happening. i can't believe how inconsiderate boys are. i'm not talking to totty-- he didn't understand what he did wrong so i had to explain to him how he has slowly backed out of the whole weekend with me after he had talked so much about how much fun we were going to have and how he couldn't wait for it. ryan uninvited totty, so he's not coming at all. and ryan is still going to the concert with kyle. even though i told them to go--they didn't even think twice about it. that bothers me. i guess i know who i can and can't count on. i just feel like it's all a horrible dream or prank that's being played on me. i don't like it.
ugh!!!!! i hate being mad. and i hate it when people don't act smart about things. they just do what they want with no regard to anyone else's feelings on the situation.
====let this entry serve as record (to myself) that ryan can't be depended upon.=====
i am most excited to hang out with scarlett. but i'll be in a foul mood until then.

everyone is a jerk. mainly boys. mainly justin. it's an endless cycle. i text him, get mad at him for being an idiot, and then i ask myself why in the world i let him bother me so much. lol it's funny how no matter what a certain person says to you, you either take it really really well or get really pissed. lol i don't get it. it needs to stop.

i'm ready for fall to come and go so i can get out into the real world. but i really wonder if things will be better, or will get worse after i move away. will all the drama follow me?? i hope not. ryan seems to be really happy here and doesn't seem to have a care in the world. i hope that i find that whenever i move. i'm so excited. it makes me feel good that i know ryan will want to hang out and stuff whenver i get out of there. we've gotten to hang out a lot this summer and i am really glad. we always have fun, and talk about how dumb people are.

why am i so nice?? i am the most forgiving person ever. anytime i try to be a bitch i go back and apologize for it...even if i really meant it whenever i said it. i just can't stand the thought of things being sour between me and someone that i really care about. lately i've just gotten in these horrible moods thinking about the way i've let things just stay between justin and me. we aren't friends. we aren't dating. it's twisted, and it's going to hurt somebody sooner or later. i just think we're making sure it's later than it is sooner.

i'm going to be in martin next weekend. maitland has been talkin to me for a while about taking me out whenever i can come into town. i think i might let him. it's not like either of us are expecting anything to come of it (i already asked him and he said that he expected nothing). he said he's wanted to ask me out for a while..which is true. he asked me out right before i came back to clarksville for the summer but i couldn't go. he just told me that he was really patient and can wait until i can come to town and go out. at first i was like..i'm not going to do that. i'm worried about what people will think and i don't want to lead him on..but i'm pretty sure i don't care what in the hell anyone thinks anymore because i'm leaving in december and i know he won't think i'm leading him on because we already went over the fact that we aren't looking for anything. woo. lol so i'm going. who cares.

my birthday. oh god. i'm worried and a little excited i guess. lauren is planning it so i hope people come. i told her she didn't have to do that, but she said i shouldn't plan my own party because it's my birthday (good point, but i was kind of shocked because nobody has ever offered to do that for me other than my parents). i just want some people to go out to eat and have a good time. not a million people. but my closest friends. justin is going to be able to come too. he works until 4 on that friday and then he's coming straight to clarksville to hang out and then we're all going to eat...i think. i'm not sure of the exact plan. i guess i'll find out soon enough. i'm tired of writing. bye.

...kind of sucks right now.
it's not that everything is going wrong, i'm just bored. all the flipping time. i rearranged my room last night and cleaned it today--it was the highlight of my week. haha i mean i hung out with a couple of friends on tuesday, but that's a rare occasion. there are no people here like ryan, justin or erin that i can just call to hang out with. jenna went back to martin, and scarlett will be in martin all summer too.
i really wish that i felt more comfortable calling the austin peay guys, but they hardly ever hang out with girls unless it's at a party. lol. whatev. i'll call sean and make him let me play guitar hero. haha
i'm hanging out with my cats and my dog. hopefully this is not all my summer will become. maybe i'll be able to take a lot of time to myself and read and do things that i haven't really had the time for...that brings me to another point. time. i've got tons of it considering i still have no job.
that's right folks. the interview that i had on thursday wasn't really an interview. they had no jobs available to offer me or even give me hope that i might be offered a job anytime this summer. she gave me a lot of neat ideas for my portfolio though. she liked all my stuff and had some good thoughts on how i can expand my designs and art pieces to several things. i think i'll try it so i can show off my versatility. whatever. i still have no job! i'm working at the electric company for free doing their newsletter. i guess it's fun. i'm learning a new program which is always good to know. from what i hear, hardly any companies are using indesign and illustrator--which sucks because those are the ones i'm best at. :\

what i'm best at. such a strange concept for me. i'm not really used to saying what i'm best at because lately i've come to not really know.

gees. why couldn't i just keep my mouth shut!? i always have to end up texting him or calling him or something.
drunk. by 7o'clock i was drunk. i started drinking at 5:30. it's currently almost 1am, and i'm still kinda feelin it.
i insist on constantly torturing myself. why?! one person can get under my skin with just one look. i mean really? am i that out of control with my emotions? graduation..one more semester. i don't know how much longer i can take this place. it seems like i always end up feeling this way right before it's time for me to leave.
i'm so stressed with school...it's kind of ridiculous. it's what i get for taking like 4 studio classes at once. ugh. projects, computer labs, graphic research, painting, charcoal, drawing, planning...and long, effort filled nights spent on campus instead of getting the rest that i so desperately need. what the crap! i'm goin to make myself sick if i don't get this under control.
the formal went horribly, you would think that i could just take a hint from the Almighty who is obviously trying to shoo me away from the whole situation. but like a moth to a flame, i come back. every time!! i don't know why..i guess it's different each time. i guess it's the "just to talk, hey let's hang out, i need some help, i miss you, guess what happened to me today, i'm so excited because of this, summer is going to be awesome" reasons that reel me in. the universe knows what i'm drawn to and like clock work, those reasons never fail to sucker me into the bear trap once again. ugh.

i'm going to bed. maybe things will make sense in the morning.

as soon as i can get out of here, it's happening. end of story.
i can't believe the events that took place last night. i had the worst time....and that's speaking positively.
had scarlett not been pinned sweetheart, the night would have been a complete and total waste.
i'm just so mad at myself. i can't tell anyone about how mad i am because i'm sure that's the last thing they want to sit and listen to. i did it to myself. i chose to get hammered and just forget everything that he said or didn't say and the mood he was in.
isn't there any part of my life that can go right?? i mean, it's getting kind of ridiculous how much crap i allow myself to be drug through.
graduation please.

disconnected.
now, this word can be taken in a positive or negative way. tonight, for me, it's negative. i am so exhausted. depressed even. i've got a killer headache. i'm just tired, emotionally and mentally. i went to the last bit of the derby days talent show last night, and i seriously have never felt more invisible in my life. it's like i had to get up in people's faces and say hi for them to talk to me. what's up with that?! i mean, maybe i'm just paranoid and out of it, but i seriously didn't feel like they could care if i talked to them or not. i haven't seen these people all week!!! you think they would want to give me updates on what's happened and stuff, but no. i had to drag it out of them. i don't like this whole busy life thing. really, the only person i've hung out with a decent amount this week is justin. we've hung out every day. and i think we're going to watch movies tonight. both of us are tired of life. lol it's sad that i'm still hanging out with him, but he is like my best friend and i like to cuddle with him. i would seriously go into depression if we stopped spending time together. summer is going to be AWFUL! i can already tell.. i'm most likely going to end up in clarksville...again. i'm going to miss erin and justin the most. they're really the only people i talk to a whole lot about things. i trust them more than anyone else, and honestly, they're really the only ones who can make me feel better and cheer me up. i probably love them more than should be legal. lol
ryan is supposed to move to nashville on monday, i wonder if he really will. i'll miss him too i guess, but he'll be close by. so will mattie!! i'm so pumped about her coming. she's got a new boyfriend. i can't wait to hear all about him so i can live vicariously through her love life. haha so sad. whatever. i'm making tuna pasta, and justin is comin over later. i gotta clean my room. haha ugh...

aka- ryan mouser.
whatev. he's doing it again. maybe justin is just trying to be an ass, but ryan didn't help any either. they basically got in a fight over nothing...well over the fact that ryan can dish crap out all he wants, but refuses to take any of it. ugh. i wish he'd just leave.
justin came over for like 2 hours and we just talked. it was like old times before we dated. very calm, cool, collected. i liked it. he said that he went into our relationship seeing himself with me for a long time...aka-he could marry me...that surprised me quite a bit. i kept telling him to quit thinking about it because that only made matters worse and i didn't want things to be awkward. it was kind of nice to know that someone thought about me in that way though. he is my best friend. that's the truth. i think the world of him and care about him a great deal. i don't want him to screw things up for himself his first year of school, it's best we're just playin cool and being friends right now.
he reiterrated the fact that he doesn't think 'we' are over for good, but i reminded him that is just what he thinks right now and if it is meant to happen then it will. hopefully, he'll start talking to me more. he really doesn't give me enough credit. it's almost as if he didn't think couples should fight at all. tonight i was reading through some of my journal entries to him and he said several times that he was going to talk about those things to me, but was afraid my feelings would be hurt. i told him to get over his whole 'all relationships should be perfect with no confrontation' idea and think more realistically. crap happens. bottom line. if you aren't willing to take control and find a solution, then of course things will end badly.

once again, it's all about communication. i seriously think the university has staged all of this stuff in my life as a set up to get me to believe even more strongly about my area of study. they're a bunch of smart asses. i better get paid well after graduation, i didn't sign up to be their guinea pig.